You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
