2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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