i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
