i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
