Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
