I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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