his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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