I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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