There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
