whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i love accidental penises.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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