There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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