After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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