I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
