i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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