I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize