OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
