He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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