New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
