when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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