I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
