You smell like a Billy Joel song
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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