you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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