Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
