i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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