I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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