Soap is not a condiment
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
