Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
