Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
