Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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