I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
