I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
