true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
