Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
