your room smells of hookers.
And success
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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