i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
