Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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