It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
