Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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