I can feel you judging me through the phone.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
