Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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