I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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