i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We need to get me chipped asap
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
