Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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