I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you inspire me to be a worse person
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
