he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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