he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
