That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
