i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
