enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
