i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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