the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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