when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
