Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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