he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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