you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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