I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
