In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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