He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
