Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
