I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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