I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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