Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
