you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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